If the Government Obamacarized the iPhone

It Will be “Affordable” Too. Promise.

President Obama once compared the disastrous Obamacare roll-out to a mysterious glitch in the iPhone. That argument has already been skewered in often hysterical fashion. But we wondered: what would an attempt by the government to socialize the cell phone industry look like using the same logic and implementation methods used for Obamacare? Wonder no more…

apple_small If the Government Obamacarized the iPhone

The Sell: Everyone Must Have an iPhone. Already have an iPhone? No worries, you are set! You don’t have to do anything. Don’t have an iPhone? You will need to buy one or else pay a fine. If you don’t have one but can afford one, it’s no big deal for you. If you don’t have one and can’t afford one, we will offer subsidies to offset the cost. What’s important here is access to good, quality, affordable smartphones. And, like health insurance, the government will make sure all goes smoothly.

[3 Years Pass]

Flip phones are banned. Sure, we said if you liked your phone you could keep it. And you can, assuming your plan met all of the requirements we have set into place. As it turns out, no plans met our requirements, so you aren’t alone. Clearly, your flip phone just does not make the cut. While it might have met your individual needs and budget, what’s best here is a one-size-fits-all plan. And one size does not a flip phone fit. When we said you had options, it was more like you could have the iPhone 4 or the iPhone 5. Until we “phase out” the iPhone 4 of course. Then you can choose between a blue phone or a red phone.

You Must Have Unlimited Text, Talk, and Internet. What’s that? You don’t want unlimited talk and text? You only talk on the phone when you absolutely need to? Maybe even just for catastrophic occasions, like to call 911? Sorry, your 250 minute talk/10 text/no internet plan has been discontinued. I know we said you can keep your plan if you like it, but what we meant was you can keep your plan if we like it. I’m sorry you misunderstood us. But it’s okay, we have “affordable” replacement options.

A “Few” More Requirements. While we may have passed a 2,000 page bill setting into motion the Affordable iPhone and Smartphone Access Act of 2014, we have since added another 10,000 regulations and 3 bureaucratic agencies – all located within the IRS – to make this process more simple and cost-effective for all Americans. In addition to the great plan we make you buy, you will also need to purchase the following items: a screen protector, a regular case, a waterproof case, damage  insurance, earphones, and a digital copy of Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity rap album. Because: Let’s Move!

You Cannot be Denied an iPhone. Worried about the high costs of an iPhone? Have a long history of not paying your phone bill, multiple cancelled phone contracts and a 280 credit score? Don’t worry, you cannot be denied an iPhone and you cannot be charged more. And just because you are high risk – you are probably one of those people who make calls while pumping gas despite very clear warnings not too – you cannot be denied service. Don’t tell anyone, but we will just pass those costs over to all the current users in good standing.

You Have to Buy iPhones for Other People. Let’s remember: Owning a quality, “affordable” smartphone is a right. And since some people can’t afford iPhones, you can pay for them instead. But you won’t mind, right? I know it seems more reasonable that they might get a more basic phone or plan, but we’ve already banned those. Our bad. Oh, and “affordable.”

Services are reduced. Not only will we make you buy things you don’t want, but we will take away the things you do want. Now that government is in charge, they will need to monitor your usage. (And this makes our NSA spying program a lot more efficient, am I right?) I’m sure you liked the Candy Crush app for your phone, but we can all agree that candy is bad. And just as government had to destroy stamps because they depicted kids playing games without proper safety gear, we need to stop promoting this idea that candy is okay. And don’t even get us started on your now banned Fantasy Football games. First, head injuries. Second, Redskins. Argument settled.

“Affordable.” Like health insurance, owning an iPhone is not cheap. The product, the accessories, the apps, the plans, the special way they make a glass phone as slippery as possible so multiple droppage and eventual breakage is inevitable… Tack on all of the new government taxes and mandates covering accessories, insurance coverage, buying phones for other people, and of course the mandatory and expensive data plans whereby you are either paying a little more for for the same exact phone and plan you had before or a whole lot more because you had a flip-phone with pay-as-you-go minutes and no internet. We are going to actually ignore the true costs of your plans and just keep reciting the word “affordable” because if we say it enough, maybe you will actually start to believe it. “Affordable.”

One Small Glitch – Now that your “affordable” plan is in place – and let’s remember, millions of people now have access to an iPhone for the first time – there may be a few glitches. In rare instances, a handful of people (or millions, give or take) who had the unacceptable flip phones might not be able to afford the “affordable” phone plans even though we promised the average cost of these plans will save the average family $2,500. They might just have to pay a fine and go without a phone at all, even though they were perfectly happy with what they had before. Life goes on.

Oh, and it turns out we didn’t make enough iPhones despite having three years to make them and knowing we were forcing every person in America to buy one. (At one point, those teabagger Republicans sought to delay this iPhone mandate sine their aren’t enough phones to start with, but that’s just silly when we can barricade stuff in protest.) And there is a small glitch whereby you can’t make calls, surf the internet, or text with your new iPhones. We plan to have those features operable in 4-6 months, assuming you are one of the lucky few to get your hands on the new iPhone. And you know how good we are with timelines. We. Are. Government.

It is true after all: Obamacare is exactly like owning an iPhone assuming you are forced to buy one even if you had a cheaper phone you liked, it costs four times what it did before, you have to buy services you don’t want or need, you pay for iPhones for other people, and none of the phones work.