Political endorsements are a dime a dozen. Instead, we will give Donald J. Trump the grandest tribute to his unique presidential campaign—the world premiere of “Trump the Opera.”
Trump: Donald Trump
Crooked Hillary: Hillary Clinton
Lyin’ Ted: Ted Cruz
Little Marco: Marco Rubio
Low Energy Jeb: Jeb Bush
The Director: James Comey
Huma the Maidservant: Huma Abedin
Carlos Danger: Anthony Weiner
The Trump Clan: Ivanka, Melania, Donald Jr., Eric
The Clinton Cronies: John Podesta, Cheryl Mills, Terry McAuliffe
The Mainstream Media Chorus
My Husband: Bill Clinton (Mr. Clinton’s performance is made possible by a special gift from the Opera Society of Kazakhstan.)
Scene 1: A dining room at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida.
Trump, the scion of an American real-estate family, is eating dinner, seated at one end of a 60-foot-long table. At the other end is his wife, Melania. Along the sides of the table are the Trump Family—his daughter Ivanka and two older sons, Donald Jr. and Eric. Trump puts down his Big Mac and says, “I am going to be president.” Ivanka says: “Of what?” Trump, reddening, shouts: “What else? Of the United States!” Melania faints, falling to the floor.
As Donald Jr. rushes to revive Melania, a short, wiry man enters the dining room. Eric says to his father: “Who is this guy?” Trump tells the family his name is Corey Lewandowski. Trump says he found Lewandowski in New Hampshire and that he will run Trump’s presidential campaign. Revived, Melania implores her husband: “Why have you done this to me?” Trump replies: “I want to build a wall.” Trump and Lewandowski sing the moving construction duet: “A beautiful wall (Un bel muro).”
Scene 2: A Republican primary debate.
Trump stands behind a podium on a stage. On either side of him, extending to the edges of the stage, are 15 men and a woman who all say they are running for the Republican presidential nomination. The debate begins and Trump announces that he will not address anyone by their real name. Instead, he refers to them as Lyin’ Ted, Little Marco and Low Energy Jeb.
The men have heard rumors of Trump’s wrathful followers, the Trumpians, and accept Trump’s insults. Lyin’ Ted attempts to placate Trump, addressing him as “my good friend, Donald.” Trump hears this as an insult and replies that Lyin’ Ted’s father might have had something to do with the Kennedy assassination. Lyin’ Ted pulls a knife from his belt. Carly Fiorina holds on to Lyin’ Ted’s wrist and in a terrifying aria warns Trump to “beware the revenge of women (la vendetta delle donne).” Gripping the sides of his lectern, Trump vows he will never again look upon the face of Fiorina.
Scene: An interrogation room at the FBI.
It is late Saturday afternoon. Light from the setting sun illuminates the faces of Democratic presidential candidate Crooked Hillary, the Director James Comey, and Crooked Hillary’s lawyer and confidante, Cheryl Mills. Comey asks Crooked Hillary if it is true that while she was Secretary of State, she maintained a personal email server.
Crooked Hillary replies with one of the most extended arias in the history of opera: “I do not recall (Non ricordo).” Comey asks if she used the server to discuss her daughter’s wedding. Crooked Hillary replies: “Non ricordo.”
The Director asks if she has ever heard of the Clinton Foundation. Crooked Hillary rises from the table and shrieks, in a piercing F above high C: “Non ricordo! Non ricordo!”
Mills, the confidante, leans forward and asks Comey in a low, ominous whisper if the FBI is recording their conversation. The Director says she has insulted him, smashes Mills’ laptop against the wall and orders them to leave the building.
Scene One: An outdoor stage in Palm Beach, Florida.
Trump, beset by the vast forces of Crooked Hillary and various female accusers, has retreated to his kingdom in southern Florida. Standing before a huge throng, Trump defends himself by singing the Duke of Mantua’s aria from Verdi’s “Rigoletto”: “Questa o quella (This woman or that woman).” Trump suddenly cries out that Crooked Hillary “should be locked up!” The Trumpian chorus thunders: “Lock her up! Lock her up! (Rinchiudetela!)”
Scene Two: The basement of Crooked Hillary’s castle in Chappaqua.
It is the night before the election. Crooked Hillary, Huma the Maidservant, Carlos Danger and James Comey sit at a table on top of which is a silver chalice and small ceramic pitcher. Behind them is a mammoth pile of destroyed electronics—laptops, PCs, BlackBerrys, servers.
The Director places a document on the table and the three sign it. Carlos Danger pours white liquid from the pitcher into the chalice and all drink from it, including Comey. As the others seem to fall asleep, Crooked Hillary rises to sing her last aria: “I spent my entire life helping everyone (Tutta la mia vita).”
Scene: A golden apartment in Trump Tower on Fifth Ave.
It is 4 a.m. on election morning. Trump is at his desk, tweeting curses and maledictions at his enemies. Trump’s consigliere, Rudolph Giuliani, enters the room and tells Trump he is still a genius. Trump tweets more curses. The Trump Family enters with Chris Christie, now returned from exile in New Jersey.
All walk out onto a balcony above Fifth Avenue, led by Trump. A crowd has filled the street below. Trump suddenly climbs onto a chair and raises his arms, as if about to jump into the crowd. Instead, Trump raises his right hand, forms his thumb and fingers into a delicate zero and sings the final aria in the 72-hour-long opera: “Believe me (Credetemi). It will be so beautiful. It’s going to be very, very beautiful. Believe me.”
Opera ends. Trump begins three days of curtain calls.