The year 2016 was a great one for our progressive friends – except for that whole utter repudiation unpleasantness of last November. Now, as a concerned conservative friend eager to help, let me offer you some New Year’s resolutions that will keep you on the path to success. The bottom line: stay the course!
Keep Reaffirming the Racism/Sexism/Homophobia and Other Moral Failings of Everyone Who Doesn’t Obey the Rigid Yet Constantly Mutating Laws of Political Correctness: It’s vital that you continue, at every turn, to label normal Americans “racists,” “sexists” and all the other “-ists” and “-phobes” in your Big Book O’ Liberal Slurs. Remember, concerns about crime are secret dog whistles to the tens of millions of wannabe KKK members lurking out there. Americans actually love being robbed! You know why we pretend we don’t like dismembering babies and selling their parts? Because we hate strong women. You caught us! And having people smash airplanes into buildings and open fire at random citizens are just a few of our favorite things. We only blame these acts on the radical Muslims who are actually doing them because of our unreasoning hatred of Muslims. There’s no fooling you! If we weren’t such Islamophobes, we’d focus on the bloody death toll from those radical Baptists. So keep it up, and never, ever, pass up an opportunity to tell normal Americans how they fail to meet your exacting standards. With enough abuse, those Trump voters you lost last time will definitely come around and start supporting Democrats again!
Slam Israel: Who needs Jewish voters in your coalition anymore? You’ve got urban hipsters and illegal aliens, frigid divorcees and welfare cheats, plus a declining number of blacks and more urban hipsters, so those embarrassing friends of the Zionist Entity are totally expendable. Let them go join the GOP, with its unflinching support for evil Israel against the uncorrupt democracies surrounding it. When your delegates booed Israel (and God) at your convention, it was a great way to start this super-helpful conversation. Keep it up. Remember, every time you stab Israel in the back, several CAIR members will escort their wives out to go vote for Democrats.
Leverage Hollywood Star Power: As you know, all normal Americans believe Hollywood stars are powerful role models who we should emulate in our personal and political lives. Want to energize new voters? Well, those tatt-ridden, gangsta rap stars supporting Hillary sure made me want to bust a move – right into the voting booth to elect some Dems! And don’t forget to have Lena Dunham go out there to lecture us about her personal insights on politics and childcare. She’s America’s preeminent feminist icon – I know that pic of her lolling on a beach dressed as a manatee made me reconsider my standards of female beauty. After that, I’ll never again deploy my male gaze!
Jesusplain More: Christians definitely appreciate it when they get instructed on the tenets of their faith by someone whose most recent religious observance was driving past a Church’s Fried Chicken. We believers somehow missed how the RNC was calling Trump “Jesus,” but it didn’t get by you theologians! Good catch! Clearly, people you hold in contempt for being dedicated to Christ are going to commit blasphemy by labeling Trump “Jesus” because…reasons. Way to untangle that cunning plot to do…something. Anyway, thanks to you, I now also know that Jesus was a free n’ easy hippie whose teachings just happen to correspond exactly to the tenets of the Democratic Party – except for some of that awkward stuff that requires actual belief in Jesus. Under your tutelage, I finally get that thou shall not demand that deadbeats worketh, nor shalt thy resisteth 7th Century savages. Also, apparently He demandeth that grown men dressed like women shall exposeth themselves aroundeth our young daughters. Who knew? You guys should keep this up. You’re building a lasting impression among religious Americans – you know, the key segment of the American population that isn’t barren.
Remember, You Know Best for Us. You should do as much as you can to compel us to comply with your enlightened views. Force innocent bakers to bake cakes just because you can. People love that – especially when you simultaneously discover the moral necessity of allowing employees on a chorus line to opt out of entertaining those you deem unacceptable. Also, try to disarm us even as crime rates have entered a dizzying climb thanks to your cavorting with quasi-terrorist mobs and trashing the police – remember, it’s not the fear of being raped or murdered that inspired us to exercise that musty old Second Amendment, it’s racism! Oh, and perhaps concern about the future should you retake power. Just ensure that you keep reacting to any criticism with scathing personal attacks upon those who defy you. Normal Americans love that.
Heat-Up the Climate Change Frenzy: It must be frustrating when stupid #Science-hating normals refuse to accept that global warming is a crisis requiring we immediately give you liberals more power and money. This isn’t the first time these dummies have refused to listen to the settled #Science – they didn’t listen in the 70s when you demanded more money and power to stop the imminent ice age, or in the 80s when you demanded more money and power to stop the ozone hole apocalypse, or in the 90s when you demanded more money and power to stop the acid rain Armageddon. Keep it up! Who knows, maybe it will actually get hotter and you’ll have some evidence – it totally could happen this time!
Don’t Hide Your Feelings On Social Media. Social media allows you the opportunity to freely express what you really think to a vast audience – use it! Once, you could only say what you really think in little groups at Manhattan cocktail parties or cafés in Los Angeles, or publish it in obscure magazines no normals ever read. Well, now you can tweet your innermost thoughts and have those views go viral! It used to be a secret that you thought we are idiots for having religious beliefs, but not anymore! Your desire to confiscate guns had to be hidden with weasel words in public, but now you are no longer restrained. In fact, you can loudly and
Keep Nominating Ancient Leftists Whose Massive Criminal Endeavors Appall All Decent Folk. Let me say it – Hillary Clinton was a terrific candidate for the Democrats, at least from my perspective as a Republican. Honest, warm, self-less, able to connect with regular people – these qualities are totally overrated in a nominee. Okay, she had some baggage, but the problem with Hillary wasn’t her corruption – it was that the darn FBI and those darn Russians kept telling people about her corruption. Work harder with the mainstream media to ensure that we are no longer exposed to the kind of “fake news” that reveals what your candidates are actually doing. Most journalists will be eager to help!
Be the Sorest of Sore Losers: Or should I say, sore winners, since Hillary obviously crushed Trump in the popular vote election we didn’t have. Keep being angry! Talk nonstop about how Trump is illegitimate – we’ve already totally forgotten that whole thing about how not promising to recognize the validity of the election results is un-American. And oppose everything Trump does – everything! After all, people don’t want change. The last eight years have been terrific for everyone who matters – just ask Obama!
Look, you hit a few unexpected bumps in the road in 2016 – I mean, who could have foreseen that nominating someone under FBI investigation might turn out badly? But there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing – the problem isn’t you. It’s everyone else, especially those stupid, racist, gun nut Jesus people who aren’t bright enough to understand that you are entitled to rule over them. So don’t ever change. Stay the course. Oh gosh, please, please, please, by all means, stay the course.