Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow Americans — tonight I look around this room and I see two types of people. My friends who want to make America great again, and the rest of you losers who were too stupid to vote for me. I mean, seriously; I won…you didn’t…and that’s why you’re down there in the loser pit because you didn’t have what it takes to be a winner like me.
Now, America is going to win because I won and I will make it happen.
So to all you losers tonight I say this: You’re fired. No, no. Stop laughing. I’m not joking. You’re fired. Go home. Take a vacation to Loser Island. I don’t need you here. America doesn’t need you here. I don’t need you to make America great again. I don’t need a bunch of losers in Congress talking about rules, and procedures, and votes, and filibusters, and closure or cloture or whatever it is you in the Senate use to avoid making decisions. All these things just get in the way. I don’t need them.
So how am I going to make America great again? Easy. I have a plan and the best people. I only hire the best people. I don’t tolerate anything but the best. I fire losers. I will take those plans and make them a reality. We are going to start winning again in so many places. It will be great. And it will be very fast. And the Congress will only get in the way and slow things down.
We’re going to win on trade and make trade great again. One of my first actions will be to fire all the CEOs who want to take their businesses to other countries. You know, capitalism and free markets are great, but they need a guiding hand like my big hands [see; they are big] to keep winning. I know business and markets and economics – just look at how much money I made by winning in business.
All these loser economists talk about trade wars and higher costs to consumers as the result of my policies, but they’re morons with calculators; and none of them has ever run a business before like me who’s run a bunch of highly successful businesses (aside from a few bankruptcies that weren’t my fault).
We’re also going to start winning at foreign policy again and make our foreign policy great again. A bunch of losers at the Geneva Convention tell us we have to play by their rules. Their rules! No more. No way. From now on, we’ll do whatever it takes to defeat the terrorists and anyone else who gets in my way, even if it means we have to loosen up on our morals and our laws a little bit.
And we’re going to build a wall. It’s going to be a great wall. It’s going to be so high and so long and so wide that anybody trying to climb it will die of oxygen deprivation. And Mexico is going to pay for the whole thing because I’m a great negotiator. I’ve negotiated some of the biggest deals in history – and I’ll get them to pay. And if they don’t pay we’ll sue them; and if there is one place you don’t want to mess with me, it’s in court, because I don’t settle unless my lawyers tell me to settle . . . and I never hire lawyers who tell me to settle
We’re going to make America’s national security great again by stopping the NSA, FBI and others from harassing good Americans, and instead use them to start spying on those who don’t want America to win; people like Muslims, illegal immigrants, and anybody who insults my presidency. We’re going to tap their phones, emails, text messages – whatever – and then we’re going to listen to what they say, and if I don’t like it, we’ll either sue them or send them to Guantanamo, which will once again be great!
Thank you. If you need me, I’ll be at the White House.
And, by the way, what’s with the name the “White House?” White is for losers; it’s for those who surrender, and I never surrender. White is boooooring. We will paint the “White House” gold, because gold is for winners, and I’m a winner. It will be called the “Gold House.”
And where did the name “Air Force One” come from? I mean, who came up with that? I’m not in the “Air Force.” “Trump” is for winners. So I’m going to rename the plane “Trump Force Won” because I’m a winner and I won.
The next time you hear from me, it will be to send you my budget. And you’d better approve it. Otherwise, I will hire you again just to fire you again.