Who Is Going To Save The Democrat Party? Chelsea!
Can you feel the pulse-pounding sense of excitement that’s sweeping the nation in the wake of the sudden rise to media prominence of superwoke everywoman Chelsea Clinton?
I sure can, but then I’m a conservative Republican. I totally support the Democrats making Chelsea the face of their party.
Please, please, please make her the face of your party.
Let’s be clear – Chelsea is not an embodiment of malignant evil, as is her harpy mother. I am aware of acts of great kindness she has personally performed; she does not appear to be a morally bankrupt monster like her parents. Nor do I blame her for supporting her mother or Bill. But Chelsea is a doctrinaire limo liberal who is utterly clueless about her privilege – she is one of the rare cases where the use of that term is neither teeth-gratingly stupid or a lie designed to seize unearned moral authority. And she buys into the moral vacuum that is progressivism’s received wisdom – from going all-in on the global warming scam to seeing all the SJW –isms and –phobias behind every opponents’ views to embracing the Planned Parenthood baby-killing racket. She should be left to live her life in peace without harassment, but so should we – which means Chelsea must never hold anything like a position of power.
Still, you can see the push to make her a thing; someone’s clearly hired a PR professional to inflate this obnoxious trial balloon. She gets a non-story story in The Hill nearly every day, like “Chelsea Clinton Fuels Speculation of Political Run” (Don’t follow the link – the site has one of those stupid auto-plays; if Chelsea’s platform consisted solely of ritually disemboweling anyone putting an auto-play ad on a website I’d write her a check today).
And she’s now tweeting all sorts of mind-numbing clichés, like “Inspired by these kids & their fierce determination to combat #climatechange. #ItsYourWorld” and “Clearly the Congressman does not view all our children as, well, all our children. Particularly ironic & painful on Purim.” Evidently, we need leaders in the future who don’t understand the meaning of the words “our” or “ironic.”
When this pampered princess, whose history of wearing a uniform consists solely of attending a tony private school so she wouldn’t have to associate with the poor minority kids in the D.C. public schools, tweeted “National service should NOT be a partisan issue. Ending programs that empower young people to positively impact communities is simply wrong,” she forgot to add the hashtag #Hypocrisy.
Still, to some Democrats – primarily those named “Clinton” – the idea of anointing Chelsea heir to the Oval Office has a certain kind of logic. Well, a certain kind of Chardonnay-swilling, Volvo-driving liberal logic.
First, Chelsea’s an achiever. She had two kids, which nobody else has ever done.
After a world-wide search and intense competition with hundreds of other candidates, she was named “vice chair at the Clinton Foundation, where she works several times a week.” Only some kind of superwoman could supervise all those nannies and other servants while working “several times a week.” Oh, she is also “an adjunct professor at Columbia University, where she teaches a global health governance class,” no doubt drawing upon her extensive experience in governing health globally. And she held down a $600,000 gig as a “Special Correspondent” with NBC News. Among her triumphs was this bombshell expose: “She interviewed the Geico gecko, asking the little creature, ‘Now gecko, do people recognize you on the street?’ and, ‘Is there a downside to all this fame?’” On the upside, at least she didn’t pull a Brian Williams and talk about that time she was in the stuff in ‘Nam, or being sniped at in Bosnia.
Pretty much, her main achievement seems to be having been born of Hillary Clinton and, according to rumor, Bill Clinton. That’s…something.
Now, let’s not get all down on this whole idea of dynastic succession. Just look at the track record of greatness of the Kennedy Bros and the Kennedy Kidz. John captained PT-109 and then there was Cuba and, uh, Camelot. Yeah, Camelot. Plus, JFK paid a lot of attention to the needs of women, often two at a time.
His brothers were achievers too. Robert bugged Martin Luther King, according to CNN – though the new rule is that apparently when a media outlet’s reporting of wiretapping by a Democrat becomes inconvenient it can be disregarded, so then Bobby’s big achievement must be not wiretapping MLK. Teddy invented the waitress sandwich; on the plus side, at least on that occasion no women drowned. And the subsequent Kooky Kidz of the Kennedy Klan have all been awesome successes, with only a few resulting fatalities. All hail America’s royalty!
Oh, and if you need more convincing of why we should welcome the entry of the children of politicians into politics, there’s Jeb!
Next, Chelsea is super easy to identify with. She really connects with regular people. She recently semi-coherently tweeted “I’d like to thank whomever discovered toothpaste (plus good scrubbing on a toothbrush) removes crayon drawing from a wall - THANK YOU!” Actually, her maids should be thankful. It’s not to say Chelsea hasn’t faced challenges. She has overcome many crises in her time, like the time Lupita was sick and couldn’t come take care of the babies, and all those occasions where she was mistaken for Sarah Jessica Parker. Who hasn’t been there?
Out in America, which she has never visited, people are excited. There was a VFW hall in McKeesport, Pennsylvania, where the vets Obama ignored for eight years told me: “When we see Chelsea tweeting, we know help is on the way. She gets us, as only the rich wife of a failed hedge fund manager whose dad did a stretch can!”
At the International Brotherhood of Pipefitters and Steelworkers, Local 674 union hall in Ypsilanti, Michigan, many of the workingmen feel a special bond with her. “Heck, me, Lou, and Big Mike here, we all invested in Greek stocks and government debt just like Mr. Chelsea, and we all took a hit too. It just shows that we got a lot in common. And when she said ‘“I was curious if I could care about [money] on some fundamental level, and I couldn’t,’ well, that really hit a nerve with us on the crew. Because we spend twelve hours a day welding steel and laying pipe in the snow for the pure existential satisfaction of it. Right, Lou and Big Mike?”
The world is Chelsea’s oyster. Already, she’s hard at work giving vague direction to a ghostwriter about her new children’s book, titled She Persisted. As Chelsea awkwardly tweeted, “Persistence has changed the course of history - I’m so excited to share stories of girls & women who didn’t take no for answer on May 30th!” Well, it’s about time someone dared to take a stand and say that women are able to not take no for an answer. And Chelsea’s not afraid to say so! Take that, all you people who think women must take no for an answer!
Maybe she can follow Ivanka’s lead and create her own fragrance – how about calling it “Entitlement.” Its scent can evoke Chelsea’s essence, with hints of domestic help and hay.
And if she chooses to keep this political thing up instead of chasing some fresh new squirrel in a few months, as has been her habit, Chelsea Clinton’s rise to prominence in the Democrat Party should be met with joy and eager support by every conservative. I know I’m excited. So, bring on the Chelseamania!
