We have long known that right-wing people are better looking, smarter, happier, and even have a better sex life without demanding that the government pays for their contraceptives.
No one knew how to effectively argue that fact, deny it, rationalize it, or turn it into an asset – until now. A groundbreaking scientific research has finally answered the most puzzling question of the Universe: Why would anyone in their right mind ever vote for a right-winger?
As a side effect, scientists also explained that people’s right-wing politics stem from their beauty, talent, ability, strength, and well-being, which also signals to others what one’s politics might be just by looking at them.
- Politicians on the right look more beautiful in Europe, the U.S. and Australia.
- As beautiful people earn more, they are more likely to oppose redistribution.
- Voters use beauty as a cue for conservatism in low-information elections.
- Politicians on the right benefit more from beauty in low-information elections.
The Washington Post explains it to their less attractive and intelligent readers in simpler terms:
Numerous studies have shown that good-looking people are likely to earn more, and that people who earn more are typically more opposed to redistributive policies, like the progressive taxes and welfare programs favored by the left.
The researchers also offer a more general psychological explanation for the trend: That good-looking people are often treated better than others, and thus see the world as a more just place. Past studies have found that the more attractive people believe themselves to be, the lower their preference for egalitarianism, a value typically associated with the political left.
This, comrades, is your answer to what is preventing us from reaching the Glorious Progressive World of Next Tuesday: individual beauty, success, talent, and superior intellect.
These are the reasons why, even after eight glorious years of Obama’s presidency, our society still continues to be unfair, unequal, and harshly divided. On the one side, there are the beautiful, smart, and successful – and on the other side there are the Democrat voters who can’t achieve anything in life on their own merit because, through no fault of their own, they spend all their time and effort envying the other half and devising means to make their lives miserable.
The only logical way out of this tragic situation is to scar the beautiful, cripple the athletes, lobotomize the scientists, blind the artists, and sever the hands of the musicians. Is this too much to ask the government to do in order to achieve a happy, fair, and equitable society?
A happy society is one in which nobody envies anybody because they are all equally unattractive, unskilled, untalented, unhealthy, and intellectually unexciting. But they won’t know that about themselves because all exceptions from that rule will be thoroughly eliminated.
The Washington Post apparently shares this vision, otherwise why would they frame their argument in a way that makes beauty morally repulsive? They wouldn’t admit it if you put it this way, but underneath the moral grandstanding, the only progressive recipe for a happy society is the reduction of envy through the elimination of success.
The beautiful and successful right-wingers will object to this by saying that such a society will not be happy because one cannot achieve happiness by making others unhappy. That just shows how little they know us. Seeing them lose all their beauty and wealth will make us happier than we’ve ever been.
They may also say that all our ideas are unsustainable illusions that even we ourselves find hard to believe. They’ll say that we are so vocal about our progressivism merely because it makes us appear better, smarter and kinder than everyone else – but without this philosophy, as individuals, we are neither smart nor kind. That is hate speech. We must denounce it as racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, and also very likely Islamophobic.
That speech is also unconstitutional because the U.S. Constitution states that being happy is our constitutional right. And if the only thing that will make us happy is your destruction, than it’s the government’s responsibility to take away your beauty, talent, money, well-being, and success. What sacrifices have you made for your country? We need one now, right away. It will make at least one half of the country happy. The other half will happily comply – or else.